Welcome to a straight-talking, explicit problem page. Got a problem or question you need advice on? Why not ask Emelia and see if her unique take on life can help you resolve things? She's an erotic-author with all sorts of experiences under her belt and makes an ideal agony aunt for sex-related issues, as long as you don't mind her being a little blunt!
Simply ... just don't expect tea and sympathy.
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22nd January 2010
Question
Dear Emelia,
Can you burn calories by means of some self loving? I'm wondering whether to include it as part of my fitness programme for a new year and healthy 2010, or would I be better off just ordering myself the Wii Fit everyone raves on about these days?
Resolute,
Wales
Answer
Dear Resolute, name changed to protect the not-so-innocent,
Firstly I must apologise for taking so long to reply to your query. You pose a good question and I have no trouble answering it. Before we get onto what you so coyly term 'self-love', I would like to point out that whilst popular mythology has intercourse burning off more than 300 calories over an hour this doesn't take into consideration how active an individual might be. For example: if you were hog-tied and just lying there whilst your erstwhile bedtime companion sweated away above you then he may well be burning off some of that post-Christmas flab, but I very much doubt you'll achieve anything other than an astounding orgasm (if you're lucky...).
As far as masturbation goes then I imagine the calories burned would be significantly less, unless you're one of those girls who can only get off by dry humping a pillow or something, in which case you may well achieve a similarly raised metabolic rate to sex, though I should imagine the toll on your bed-linen may be severe. No, the real key to both having fun *and* losing weight is to employ an aid.
Allow me to explain: what you need is one of these (unpleasantly realistic looking in some cases) dildos with a suction cup on the base. Affix it to a chair or stool at about mid-thigh height and squat over it... do you see where I'm going yet? That's right - squat thrusts with a super-exciting incentive scheme! Lower yourself onto the gigantic rubber schlong, start playing, and see how long you can last before either your self-control or your thighs give up! An energetic session should easily burn a good 300 odd calories an hour... if you can last that long... plus you can tone your thighs and improve stamina.
An alternative would be to place a partner in a similarly useful position and do the same to him, but from experience I can say that this is not for the faint-hearted and is likely to have a close to instantaneous result with the average penis - not cardio-vascularly effective, I'm sure you'll agree.
Have fun, enjoy your new exercise regime and try not to end up with thighs like a rugby player, because we'll all know how you got them!
x
~E~
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November 16th 2009
Question
Dear Emelia,
I have recently started seeing someone and the sex is mostly wonderful - but just the other night we talked about our fantasies and what we liked, and he expressed a desire for me to "dominate" him, taking charge etc etc.
I will not deny that the thought turns me on and in most of my fantasies it is so, but I am so used to letting the man take charge in previous relationships that I fear that I will become shy, almost like I don't feel like I have the right to behave in such a way, and I was wondering if you have any tips to be the "woman on top" so to speak!!!
I have recently discovered this site and will be purchasing some of your books to treat myself this Christmas!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Double Z
x x x
Answer
Dear Double Z,
Frankly I can't see what the problem is here. OK, so the dominant stance ain't really my bag, but surely it's an easy one to adopt? Women show their superiority to men every day, or at least that's what you'd be forgiven for believing if you eavesdrop on pretty much any conversation between a man and a woman. "Don't be so stupid" "Can't you do anything right?" "Why didn't you take the bins out" "Don't you know what a clitoris is?" and so on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
Woman are congenitally incapable of submitting to a man's greater knowledge, I think it must be the maternal gene wanting to spit on a handkerchief and make them 'better' , but whatever it is it's easy enough to tap into and that's all you need to do. Picture a man who has annoyed you: a traffic warden who gave you a ticket for stopping on double yellows for a measly 2 minutes, the sadistic dentist who asked you how much chocolate you eat, the postman who is late every single day except the one day you get a lie in when he turns up at 7.30am, all the ex boyfriends you've ever had - just focus on them, get your current amour to become the embodiment of them all, then vent your rage!
You know all those incredibly mean, sarcastic witticisms we bottle up, saying them in scathing tones, but only inside our own head? Let them rip. All the times you wish you could just lash out and smack them in the chops? Do it. The number of times you've felt silly and stupid and ridiculous for not knowing something blatantly obvious, like the engine capacity of a Porsche or the entire 1973 line up of Manchester United? Get your own back. Tie him up, sneer at him, make him wear frilly girl's underpants, get him to embarrass himself when he's out - be inventive, go nuts and have fun - if it turns you on then all the more power to you!
And, just for your info, here are the main rules for a Domme to follow, as far as I can think of them, though I'd be interested to hear other people's ideas on this (and remember I'm writing from a position of sexual submissive, for preference):
1 - Be inventive, keep it interesting and don't do the same old over and over
2 - Find out what it is that 'gets' him - pain? Fear? Humiliation? Then base your treatment around this.
3 - Keep it safe - have a safe word, don't push him too far, especially not at first and always use Savlon if you draw blood.
4 - If it stops being fun, stop doing it.
5 - Get the gear. Half the fun of sexual fantasies is the costume: it helps you get in character. So splash out on some things for you and him, leather, PVC, whatever, but there's a reason most fetish gear is wipe clean!
Enjoy...
x
~E~
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November 12th 2009
Question
Dear Emelia,
I am an erotic non-fiction author and have recently started seeing my best male friend.
He gave my filthy memoir (published under a pseudonym) to his sister last summer, and she really enjoyed it.
However, I haven't met her yet and although he didn't tell her it was me who wrote it, I think he may have hinted that he knows the author. He is also very proud of my achievement as a best-selling author and will probably want to share this with his family at some stage, so the sister is bound to put two and two together sooner or later.
How do I get around the potential embarrassment of my boyfriend's sister knowing about every guy I fucked before I found true love with her brother!?
Slutty Writer
Answer
Dear Slutty Writer,
All of us alternative authors have the potential embarrassment factor to consider when we get our work published, but when it comes right down to it you need to ask yourself what kind of woman you really are. If you're a sexual lioness, with stamina and appetite and the courage to enjoy sex honestly and write about it even more honestly, then you have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be embarrassed by. If, however, you're a moral coward, who does things she doesn't truly believe are right, then you deserve the kind of humiliation you're going to suffer when this comes out - and believe me, it will come out. If his sister knows already then it won't be long before she twigs it's you that wrote those things.
Just remember - people react to an action. If you front it out and are truly proud and unembarrassed about who you are and what you've done, then it'll be hard for them to make you feel bad about it, hell, they might even feel sheepish that they're not the sexually liberated goddess that you appear to be. If, however, you're standing there with more than a whiff of the victim about you, terrified that they're going to brand your forehead with a scarlet 'W' for whore then how do you think they're going to react?
Own your actions, be proud of what you write. Don't push it in peoples' faces, but be confident in your abilities. What they think is their problem. If you're not up for this then don't write it.
Whatever your decision, though, send me a link - I love to read about other peoples' exploits - it gives me material for my future writings and explorations ;-)
x
~E~
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April 28th 2009
Question
Dear Emelia,
My sexual stamina has always been excellent, to celebrate turning 50 a few years ago, I went into intensive training. In bed, I had set a nearly impossible goal: to fuck for the entirety of Wagner's Ring Cycle. That's four operas totalling just under 16 hours. I'll be modest and simply say that yes, I reached my goal.
In the last few years, though, I've noticed a dramatic downturn in my stamina and I hope that you will be able to help me out. About a year ago knee injuries forced me to hang up my running shoes for life and I went into a severe depression for several months after that, but now I am fully recovered. However my stamina has not recovered. In fact, most recently I could hardly last for the length of Beethoven's piano concerto #5 ("Emperor").
What am I to do? I can no longer last more than 45 minutes during my first sex act of the night and thereafter can barely hang on for an hour. I am desperately afraid that my lover will soon reject me for a younger man.
What advice can you give me? Please, I look into the future and all I can see is loveless nights of mere half-hour masturbation sessions.
Running out of gas in Chicago
Answer
Dear Running out of gas,
I honestly do not know why you are whining, it's not like you're down to the Minute Waltz here... For the majority of women it is quality that is the issue and, in case no-one sent you the memo, sixteen straight hours of pounding comes under the heading of 'quantity'. Why don't you stop being such a selfish bastard and try a little something they've been touting in Cosmo since the '70s - F.O.R.E.P.L.A.Y.!
Seriously. If you spent even half those sixteen hours on getting her in the mood (I'm thinking, kissing, licking, stroking, sucking, spanking etc...) then, to be quite honest, ten minutes' fucking would be more than enough for her to reach her goal. Stop thinking about yourself and be grateful that time has finally done what advice probably wouldn't have achieved and stopped you in your tracks. Even more crucially just thank whatever god you pray to that at well over fifty you're still able to raise the flag at all. Now quit whingeing and start licking.
x
~E~
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April 26th 2009
Question
Dear Emelia,
I'm a college student and have never been with a female before, but it's going to happen pretty soon because my girlfriend says she wants to. I'm nervous as I'm self-conscious about the size of my...equipment. I wear loose clothes all the time so no one will notice and am always having to adjust myself...I mean, if I don't I usually get "pinched" when I sit down. I've researched on the internet and it seems I'm way larger than average. I'm afraid my girlfriend will think I'm a freak. Any suggestions?
Self-conscious in Seattle
Answer
Dear Self-conscious,
Oy - that we should all have your problems. Now, you've raised a number of issues in your query, so I'm going to address each point separately.
Firstly - what kind of nincompoop are you to research anything on the internet and believe it? Here's something you may not have realised - everybody lies. Put that on the internet where no-one can see their facial expression and they're going to lie even more. Either you've logged onto an 'Am I Normal' forum, where everyone's going to try and outdo each other by exaggerating how much of a teeny penis they have, or you've been looking at porn where men are massively out-sized in which case, if you're bigger, then my goodness sailor - where have you been all my life?
Anyway - let's accept that your premise is correct and, unlike most of the outrageously lying bastards I've shagged, sorry, dated, you are super-sized... What the fuck is your problem? Attached to your groin is that treasure of a tool that men and women alike lust after. That's right. Men want to be you, women want to screw you. Yes, the majority of 'normal' women are going to have a problem fitting you in, so you're either gonna have to go searching for a mother of eight with a nay-nay you could fit a truck down, or you'll have to become a genius at foreplay.
As far as your girlfriend goes - buy some lube, take the time to get her properly revved up, then start off with her on top so she can control the depth and speed. Whatever you do avoid doggy position, she'll need to go to hospital afterwards. However, should you ever end up single do not despair. Simply put the word out that you're in possession of a heat-seeking missile that would put NATO to shame and you'll be inundated with girls. This is why you're the envy of all men -- girls will throw themselves at you, then quietly disappear shortly afterwards when they can't shake the friction-induced yeast infections.
And when you've had your fill of all those others, contact me again for my number ;-)
x
~E~
PS- oh, and if you get bored, check out this other guy who seems to have much the same issue and laments his troubles through the medium of song...
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April 23rd 2009
Question
Dear Emelia.... there's this co-worker I have the hots for. I don't want a long term relationship, just hot wild sex at work. How do I ask her without getting fired?
Frustrated in Georgia
Answer
Dear Frustrated in Georgia,
Firstly I would generally advise against dipping one's pen in the company ink - you don't want a mess left on your doorstep, do you? However, if you're determined to go for this, do make sure she's on the same page - I'd recommend some kind of manifesto with a list of rules and expectations which you both agree to. To get to that situation, however, you're going to have to charm her knickers off first...
I recommend taking her to one side at a staff event, getting her blindingly drunk, and propositioning her then. If you've got her drunk enough you'll be able to find out if she's interested without putting your job at risk. If she seems amenable then get her less drunk the next time and ask her when she can remember. Gifts of sexy underwear and toys will keep her sweet, whilst reminding her that she's nothing more than an office-hours booty call. After all, you don't want her thinking you actually give a shit...
~E~
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