Who Watches The Watcher? Monday, March 8th, 2010 - 9:01 am
I don't know if this is something peculiar to me, common amongst all writers (and artists possibly?) or whether it's something that nearly everyone does and just nobody talks about, but oftentimes I will be in the middle of an action when I suddenly find myself watching from the outside to see how I act or react.
It's a most bizarre quirk and makes it very difficult to act entirely naturally in some situations. I wonder if I'm upset enough, or too upset, or am I emoting the wrong emotion altogether? There's very few occasions when I don't mentally observe myself, to some degree at least. When I'm doing very little is one of the major ones - why bother observing myself lying in bed? I will, however, be engaged in some frantic self-analysis about *why* I'm lying in bed if I should be up, or deep inside some intricate fantasy, story plot or shopping list. Sitting on this sofa writing is not an activity I bother to analyse - especially since I'm too far inside my own head anyway, as I write this blog post.
Every other situation I can think of, however, usually involves at least a fragmentary glance at myself - how would this appear in a movie, a book, to someone watching from outside? It can be exhausting sometimes. Thank heavens for the times when I can forget myself.
Oh - and kudos to anyone who correctly identified the origin of the post title ;-)
Subspace, Pt 2 Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 - 11:36 am
So, looking back on yesterday's post is a little strange, because I have only the faintest memory of writing it. Having spoken to Jen I now realise that it's a possibility to enter something like subspace just randomly and that that's probably what happened yesterday afternoon.
It was a lovely state to be in, especially on a dull, uneventful weekday, but Jen was more cautious and warned me against it. I promised her I'd find some grounding exercises to do today. I'm familiar with those from a while back when I was interested in meditation, but I need to re-familiarise myself and find something useful in case this happens again. Whilst it was a nice feeling, I was very suggestible whilst in it and if it started to happen of its own accord and I had no way to control it then I could make myself very vulnerable. See? Even when I lose control I have to have control. How frustrating!
The spaces between Monday, March 1st, 2010 - 7:07 pm
Before I entered this strange, dark world of BDSM, and to be honest I'm only really standing in the doorway now, I had never heard of subspace. It was something Jen explained to me, and had to explain several times before I really got it... to be honest I'm not entirely certain I get it now, but I think, perhaps, I'm starting to...
Subspace is the strange, dreamy netherworld you slip into when you've given up control to another and have drifted away. I had a brief, weak taste of it last week and now I want to fall in completely. Swim in it. I can't believe how much I want something that I didn't even know existed two weeks ago. But I have to be patient and wait until it's offered to me again, and that's tormenting me.
